Beyond the Mirror: The Instinct of Authenticity

A few friends from my past, including women I was once intimate with, contacted me with polite but deeply challenging questions regarding my male-to-female transition on hormones. Their questions essentially boiled down to an attempt to talk me out of my decision:

They questioned whether I was mistaking a need for authentic connection with a need for gender change. They even claimed I was intentionally avoiding posting pre-transition photos because I would quickly realize that, as a guy, I looked better and could easily find genuine connections just by being myself—an attractive, smart man with a loving personality. They asked if my current, simpler life in Winnipeg, far removed from the luxury and materialism of my past, might now allow me to form the genuine bonds I lacked before—suggesting I might be "okay as a guy" after all.

They then pushed further, questioning if the entire matter was simply psychological. The most difficult question came with their blunt assertion that my male appearance was superior to my female appearance, leading to the warning that I might be making an irreversible mistake.

My Response:

I truly appreciate all the genuine and extremely polite methods being used to inquire and understand my transition from male to female on hormones with my scheduled bottom surgery. First of all, yes, I lacked authentic connections from my past and yes, everyone who liked me, back then, I associated with them liking luxury, the fancy everything from vehicles, housing, lifestyle. However, this lack of authentic connections has nothing to do with my transition. Finding authentic connections with people as a guy will not impact my decision for transitioning. I do not hate myself as a guy. I do not dispute the obvious fact that as a woman, I will never look good or perhaps I looked better as a guy than as a female. I never disputed the obvious facts nor I am claiming otherwise.

The reason for my transition has nothing to do with looks, sexuality or fetish. The reason for my transition has everything to do with a core fundamental instinct. It is more than a feeling! It’s been with me since childhood. All my life I have been trained to be a guy. My physical body has matured as a guy. It will be very challenging to alter my physical appearance to a female. And I understand that I may never be able to shed all my male traits. But none of that is really important; because what’s important is how my heart feels, how my instinct wants it to be.

This is because I follow my heart and not my mind's logic. Yes, none of what I do will make any sense to society. Yes, I will never look attractive like I used to look being a guy. Yes I will not be desirable by society, people and friends. But I am at peace with myself and even if I lived alone in the middle of nowhere I will be OK with that.

I am not ashamed of my past. I do not hate my past male self. I will post pictures of my male self, the ones I find without others in them for the requested privacy. Feel free to like them including my LGBTQ+ friends because I do like myself even as a guy. I never hated myself but that was a past loving life. Now I am Sara not isydia. Now I am living authentically.

For the ones who knew me, I left it all behind why? Despite all the hardships I faced, artificially manufactured or otherwise, why do I keep refusing to go back? If you can answer this question you will truly understand how strong, since-childhood, this instinct is.